You always call me back
In to your arms, your spirit, your being

I cant live without you and you cant live without me…
That’s why I am walking carrying your name

Oh how big you are and how small I am…
Still, you call me. still you love me. still you crave me…

I feel your presence, as I feel our lost times together
I was so close, and now I am so far…

I am craving your glory, your beauty, your kindness
Call me and KEEP me in your arms, and protect me
From anything that is a different color

Hold my hands, and his hands in yours, and when/if the day comes
Put our hands together…only in your name…
Amen.

the cold, the dark, the silent night.

What a lonely night.

Its silence but only on the outside. You wonder if anyone is listening.
When silence is this high, darkness is thick and sounds of evil are loud.

I sometimes want to go. leave. disappear. but I stay.
Now, I often wonder, how much one can take? Or perhaps the more we take, the more we learn to carry.

Its a dark night. but I don't care.

What is the meaning of becoming one, I often ask myself.
How much more can one give? Who sets the expectations? and what exactly happens when they are not met. I also often ask myself.

Sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes there can be no words.
but choking is never the answer. NEVER!

I am. I am. I am. the greatest, the highest, the strongest. And I will always be.

Peace.

Dolphins are NOT worth it!

Sooo, this post was sitting in my draft folder for nearly a year now, and I had to finish it! Its definitely a story worth telling...


February 2011

I am sitting here at John Wayne airport . its about 9:30 A.M. in the morning and its time to go home. I am tired and sleepy, but so rested from the 4 days birthday vacation! Laguna beach is truly beautiful. The weather so breezy, and crisp you just want to pause the moment and breath! and by the way, people are so much nicer than the East coast...We went a lot of cool places, had lots of good food and just had a blast!

but there is one thing about my vacation which I will never forget!

 The Dolphins!

It was my idea, let me emphasis, MY idea, to go on a whale and dolphin safari. I found this place called "Captain Dave Whale and Dolphin safari". The whole thing sounded so cool! We would board on a small boat and would travel about 6 or 7 miles into the pacific ocean to be greeted by dozen of whales and dolphins at the time, dancing in the water and shaking their tails for us....or at least thats what their website stated!

everything was perfect. We got in the boat, waiting impatiently for the captain to start the ride. Oh, and to make things more interesting, we had decided to fill up our tummies with Cheetos, Potato Chips and a turkey sandwiches before the ride, oh so oddly delicious!

Finally, we were moving, and out of excitement, Baubak and I decided to play Titanic! So, we made our way to the tip of the boat and stood there as the cold water touched our feet, and the breeze hit our faces. ahhh!! Just the picture perfect vacation. right?

UNTIL, a voice in my head commanded me "you better stop the titanic show right now, or you will regret it for the rest of the day!" I didn't listen of course. I don't know how many minutes had passed, before I was convinced that I just do not feel right. With the hopes of  it being something temporary, I made my way back inside, and sat down. I was still excited and was keeping an eye out for the dolphins. I looked around. There were people laying down, sleeping on their back or tummies. I remember thinking to myself, what in the world is wrong with these people? Have they really paid this much money to come and take a nap HERE? little that I knew that I was about to join them shortly....

As the boat continued to vanish in the ocean, I started to feel the complete regret of signing up for this adventure with every cell of my being. "What a stupid idea..Who goes to see the dolphins in the middle of February?!!!!" I thought to myself, as my stomach kept tossing and turning! nope, no way back now! We are in the middle of nowhere! screw the dolphins I thought..Please get me outta here!

and it hit me. I have to make myself throw up! (sorry for being so frank, but that is exactly what was going on in my mind)

Poor Baubak! He was feeling all right, but the adventure was definitely over for him! He was trying to make me feel better, but it surely was not working. I asked him where the bathroom was, and rushed to it! And of course, the bathroom was more like a hole in the wall which I could barely fit in. I am not going to excite you with what exactly happened in there! (the whole 30 minutes), but we have an expression in Farsi that says, I saw the death in front of my eyes, and I am pretty sure I could relate to it at that moment.

As I was trying to regain my strength  to get out of the bathroom, still feeling like crap, I heard a knock on the door. Baubak was concerned since I took so long, and he had decided to come and pay me a visit. What a  bad idea!

As soon as I opened the door to announce my well being, Buabak's face turned yellow. It wasn't the most romantic atmosphere to be in per se. I looked crazy, and the bathroom...well...was a disaster, and that was more than enough for his stomach to turn. So, in a matter of seconds, I found myself standing at the bathroom door, trying to keep my balance, and Baubak took over my position. Let me not bore you with how many times we went back and forth, taking turns vomiting, and grossing each other out, but believe it or not, that has become one of the unforgettable memories of that trip for me! After 15 minutes or so, we finally stopped, completely out of breath, stared at each other and started laughing! What a disaster I thought! but It was rather a cute, unforgettable and gross moment!

I was still feeling like crap, and so did he at this point. We made our way back to our seats and tried to stay put till this God forsaken trip was over! After 5 minutes or so, the captain announced his regret that he could not find us any dolphins  to see. I cant tell you if I was happy or sad. I guess happy that I had not missed a darn thing, and sad that I wasted a good 2 pair of shoes that could have been purchased with the money I had spent on those tickets.
I closed my eyes and fell asleep, until Baubak slowly woke me up to tell me that the trip was over! Thank you Jesus with all my heart I prayed. We spent the rest of the day doing way more fun things on land which I truly grown a massive appreciation for at that point! and I kept thinking to myself, Dolphins were not worth it!!

امشب می خواهم به یاد سهراب بنویسم...

به یاد مردی که سادگی را با ..."زندگی شستن یک بشقاب است" به من اموخت.

کسی چه میدانست وقتی گفت..."در ابعاد این عصر خاموش, من از طعم تصنیف درمتن ادراک یک کوچه تنهاترم..." در دلش چه می گذرد.و چرا دایم دم از تنهایی سردی و سکوت میزد؟ شاید او هم گوشی می خواست برای شنیدن...مثل من...

بگذریم.

امشب شب سهراب است.

این روزها زیاد به او فکر می کنم.. حتما اگر سهراب بود حرفی داشتیم برای زدن و شعری برای سرودن...

به یاد او:

....

صدا کن مرا
صدای تو خوب است
صدای تو سبزینه‌ی آن گیاه عجیبی است
که در انتهای صمیمیت حزن می‌روید

در ابعاد این عصر خاموش
من از طعم تصنیف درمتن ادراک یک کوچه تنهاترم
بیا تا برایت بگویم چه اندازه تنهایی من بزرگ است
و تنهایی من شبیخون حجم ترا پیش‌بینی نمی‌کرد
و خاصیت عشق این است
کسی نیست
بیا زندگی را بدزدیم آن وقت
میان دو دیدار قسمت کنیم
بیا با هم از حالت سنگ چیزی بفهمیم
بیا زودتر چیزها را ببینیم

ببین عقربک‌های فواره در صفحه‌ی ساعت حوض
زمان را به گردی بدل می‌کنند
بیا آب شو مثل یک واژه در سطر خاموشی‌ام
بیا ذوب کن در کف دست من جرم نورانی عشق را
مرا گرم کن

و یک بار هم در بیابان کاشان هوا ابر شد
و باران تندی گرفت
و سردم شد آن وقت در پشت یک سنگ
اجاق شقایق مرا گرم کرد
در این کوچه‌هایی که تاریک هستند
من از حاصل ضرب تردید و کبریت می‌ترسم
من از سطح سیمانی قرن می‌ترسم

بیا تا نترسم من از شهرهایی که خاک سیاشان چراگاه جرثقیل است
مرا باز کن مثل یک در به روی هبوط گلابی در این عصر معراج پولاد
مرا خواب کن زیر یک شاخه دور از شب اصطکاک فلزات
اگر کاشف معدن صبح آمد صدا کن مرا
و من در طلوع گل یاسی از پشت انگشت‌های تو بیدار خواهم شد
و آن وقت حکایت کن از بمب‌هایی که من خواب بودم و افتاد
حکایت کن از گونه‌هایی که من خواب بودم و تر شد
بگو چند مرغابی از روی دریا پریدند
در آن گیر و داری که چرخ زره پوش از روی رویای کودک گذر داشت
قناری نخ زرد آواز خود را به پای چه احساس آسایشی بست
بگو در بنادر چه اجناس معصومی از راه وارد شد
چه علمی به موسیقی مثبت بوی باروت پی برد
چه ادراکی از طعم مجهول نان در مذاق رسالت تراوید

و آن وقت من مثل ایمانی از تابش استوا گرم
ترا در سر آغاز یک باغ خواهم نشانید.

....

روحش شاد...

The White Board

I remember 7th grade like it was yesterday…Sitting in front row in class and listening so carefully to our religion teacher Ms. Akbari. Ms. Akbari was one of a kind. She was a dark skinned women who never smiled. We all knew that she took her classes very seriously and that no one could joke around since the subject was God and prophets most of the time.We were not aloud to disagree or express our opinion or she would say “how dare you question God and his holy book…this is the way it is and you have to learn and follow it in order to go to heaven….” oh how brainwashed we used to be, and how convincing she used to sound

But one day she came to class and taught us this…”My dear students, always remember, you were born with a white board attached your heart and there is not a single dot on it until you start planting your seeds. If you plant good seeds, your white board will always remain white and clean, but if you plant bad seeds, evil will come and your white board will get darker and darker…” I remember that day I was in fear..I wanted to ask, is this really true? (but I knew better) and if so, what about forgiveness, love and patience

….

years later I learned this…its not about how dark your white board become. After all isn’t it meant to be written on? Whats important is how fast you erase the darkness so it wouldn’t sink to your heart…
keeping a white board untouched is boring. keeping a white board untouched is lifeless…I have a message for Ms. Akbari tonight: ” write on your white board, loud and clear. keep the good stuff and erase the evil….

And don’t worry, you can still go to heaven…

according to ' many' Iran is no place to miss

according to 'many'...Iran is no place to miss.

... A place filled with dirt, pollution and reckless drivers;
People are rude and smell horrible.
Men never shave and women...well...according to 'many' don't exist.
Education is forbidden.
It is the country of corrupt economy and nuclear program so dangerous it can blow up many countries at once!

but i still miss it...

I miss it when I think of Tehran.
I still miss it when I think of our small apartment on the fourth floor;
my room which was shared with my little sister;

each neighbor had their own story.

I still miss it when I think about the the nosy neighbor who would lean forward of the hallway window for hours to make sure she is not missing out on any of the neighborhood action...

or the 'namaki' who would appear in the middle of the summer afternoon to sell and buy any plastic topoware.

Or my sister who would run down the stairs with a glass of water to greet my grandma half way on the second floor every time she would come to visit.

I remember my sister and I would wait hours for our dad to come home only to beg him to take us to the tiny little park up the hill!

Or when we could not wait to get home from school to take off our scarfs which in most cases had already made a bush out of our hair underneath and had to be unpeeled from our scalp.

According to 'many' Iran is no place to miss...but they might not know that...every Thursday night was family night.

every Thursday night, my Aunt and cousins would come over .

the smell of sunflower seeds, peeled clementine, and Persian peeled cucumber with salt would fill the whole house.

Adults would eat and drink Persian tea and my cousins and I would talk about anything and everything. I still can hear the conversations and laughter.

Every Thursday night, I would think.." nothing can make me happier"...That is gone and I miss it.

I miss Hajar high school. A place where only girls were allowed; Where our nails, eyebrows and upper lips were checked every Saturday morning; God forbid if we had nail polish on or had touched the manly hair of our faces...

Where I did not do much homework, but learned a bunch from our conservative, covered in black chadour teachers.

The night I left Iran, was a joyful night! I thought " I am finally leaving this bleak place and I am never coming back." But that feeling soon left me as soon as the plane landed...

The truth is that one day I am indeed going back.

Going back to undust the memories and relive the forgotten moments.

Taking it for granted

Once I read somewhere that humans are the most flexible animals; well, not physically per se, but mentally and emotionally. I didn't really care much about this statement back then; just thought about it as a simple saying and it wasn't till recently that I truly felt its meaning.

The simple truth is that us, humans, get use to things so unconsciously; Situations, conditions, locations, behaviors, wealth, health,etc. sometimes it might be the lack of awareness and the capacity for sensory perception as merriam-webster would have it. What ever it might be our souls become so moldable, just like water; It fits and changes as its poured into any shape and form jar... and that is a beautiful thing until we get stuck in one stage for too long...

then we tend to get used our surroundings. We think too highly of ourselves. We begin to like it. We begin to think that we deserve it and we should have been here from day one in the first place and that's when it happens. We take it for granted....we take it for granted until it is taken away from us. When the nice things are gone, when rich is poor, when wealthy is sick, when pride is replaced by humbleness. Then we begin to blame everything and anything in our power including ourselves."...well, maybe if I had acted differently, if I had tried a little harder, if I was a little nicer,..." but the truth is, none of these things matter. life is going to happen before our eyes and most of the time, we can't do much about it.

I feel like my life has taken that route in the past year. As I think about it tonight, I have taken many things, situations, people, etc, for granted as if they are going to be there forever...and now that I feel some of them have been taken away from me, I feel the emptiness...

i know, or better said, I've learned today that any situation is a good situation. Any condition is a good condition. The variable is us. We can be happy, rich, healthy, miserable or poor in any setting; Just depends on how we look at it...so, don't get stuck in one spot for too long and when you've moved on, don't forget about the past, for the past is always a part of your future.

thanks for listening!

Goodnight....